5. Trapped ...

Subject: 5. Trapped ... Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:56 am

Describe the armory using as many linking/action verbs as you can.
Use and underline 10 words or phrasal verbs from the vocabulary list from this chapter.

Name	Written	Do Again	Do Again	FINISH
Kelly	X	X	X	X
Lisa	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X

Name	1st feedback	2nd feedback	Grade
Yoon-Ah	Done	Done	XXX
Hyeon-Joong	Done	XXX	XXX
Name	XXX	XXX	XXX
Name
Name
Name
Name

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway. There are some equipnment on the left side, and it makes a row. It seems like toys. Right side of the hallway, there are weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw wss a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. Then he dragged Annie that he found it, and suggested her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
Suddenlu, There are some people shouted. There was a fiery outside of the armory. The followers struggled. The fiery became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to foumd new safe place to hide. There are some people between new place ,so they use visor to move knew place.

Subject: Feedback for Yoon-Ha Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:15 am

Yoon-Ha wrote:: Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway. [1]There are some equipnment on the left side, and it makes a row. It seems like toys. Right side of the hallway, there are weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw wss a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. Then he dragged Annie that he found it, and suggested her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
Suddenlu, There are some people shouted. [2]There was a fiery outside of the armory. [3]The followers struggled. [4]The fiery became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to foumd new safe place to hide. [5]There are some people between new place ,so they use visor to move knew place.

This is a good first draft. You do well in using some linking verbs and you describe the armory well. THere are a few points that need to be fixed, but I am happy with your first effort.

[1] Equipment is a uncoutable noun. What kind of equipment?
[2] 'fiery' is an adjectvie. What is fiery?
[3] Who are the followers? Who are they following?
[4] What is becoming bigger? Again, fiery is an adjective.
[5] I don't understand. The people are standing between what and what? What can a visor do to help Jack and Annie? A visor is the front piece of a helmet of a suit of armor, that can be raised and lowered and designed to protect the eyes, nose, and forehead.

Write your second draft in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway.There are some battle equipnment on the left side, and it makes a row. It seems like toys. Right side of the hallway, there are weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw wss a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. Then he dragged Annie that he found it, and suggested her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
Suddenlu, There are some people shouted. There was a firery things outside of the armory. so it made fire. The workers struggled. The fire became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to foumd new safe place to hide. There are some people between new place and the place where Jack and Annie were standing,so they use visor to hide their appearance to move new place.

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

i walked through the hallway of armory. Suddenly, i stumbled into the weapons and armors. I saw a narrow long row. It was a way to exit.
I took my book and flipped the page over. It said, in the most castle, There were exits with long narrow row. But it was protected by guards wit mechanical weapons such as crossbow. I wore the breast plate on my arm. I saw someone has a spear to protect the castle then I went into the way to exit. I wore the armor and stepped one feet. but the trap was not working so I opened the door and ran away. suddenly, I put the helmet with visor. Suddenly, I fell down andsomeone grabbed me and yanked me

Subject: Second Draft Feedback for Yoon-Ha Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:58 am

Yoon-Ha wrote:: Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway.There are some battle equipnment on the left side, [1] and it makes a row. [1]It seems like toys. Right side of the hallway, there are weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw wss a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. [2]Then he dragged Annie that he found it, and suggested her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
[3]Suddenlu, There are some people shouted. [4]There was a firery things outside of the armory. so it made fire. [5]The workers struggled. The fire became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to foumd new safe place to hide. There are some people between new place and the place where Jack and Annie were standing,so they use visor to hide their appearance to move new place.

Hello Yoon-Ha. Thank you for submitting your second draft. It is nice to see that you tried to improve your writing.

The first thing you need to fix is your verb tenses. You write in the present simple and simple past.
[1] What is 'it'?
[2] Then he dragged Annie that he found it" > Then he dragged Annie to the ______ he found it.
[3] Suddenlu, There are some people shouted.
[4] What was fiery? Be more precise.
[5] What workers? Why did they struggled?

Fix your grammar and spelling mistakes for your third and final draft. Write it in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway.There are some battle equipnments on the left side, They make the rows. They seems like toys. Right side of the hallway, there are weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw wss a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. [2]Then he dragged Annie that he found it, and suggested her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
[3]Suddenlu, There are some people shouted. [4]There was a firery things outside of the armory. so it made fire. [5]The workers struggled. The fire became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to foumd new safe place to hide. There are some people between new place and the place where Jack and Annie were standing,so they use visor to hide their appearance to move new place.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Armory was a cold dark room with plates, knight's armor, shining breast plates, leg plates and armplates. There is a strange huge hallway. Jack and Annie stumble and go into the strange hallway.There were some battle equipnments on the left side, They make the rows. They seemed like toys. Right side of the hallway, there were some weapons like spears, crossbows.
One thing Jack saw was a great gold breastplate. he wants to keep it for mordern centary. So he called Annie. The sounds makes echo. Then he dragged Annie to the place he found it. He suggested to her "How about carrying it to our centry?" then jack got some punch from her.
Suddenly, Some people shouted. There was a big firery covered the 1/3 of armory. The workers like carrying trays, washing the dishes were trying to avoid the fire. when they crash together, They struggled. The fire became bigger. So Annie and Jack quickly back away from the armory and move to find new safe place to hide. There were some bad looking person standing between new place ( the place where Jack and Annie were standing),so they use visor to hide their appearance to move new place.