1. The Dark Woods

Subject: 1. The Dark Woods Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:50 am

What was the Annie doing while Jack was getting ready to go into the woods? Write a few paragraphs describing what she was doing.
Use and underline 10 words from the vocabulary list from this chapter.

Name	Written	Do Again	Do Again	FINISH
Kelly	X	X	X	X
Lisa	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X

Name	1st feedback	2nd feedback	Grade
Yoon-Ah	Done	Done	C
Hyeon-Joong	Done	Done	XXX
Name	XXX	XXX	XXX
Name
Name
Name
Name

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

When Jack was getting ready to go into the woods, Annie dressed up her clothes quickly and find something for things that they need for go into the woods. She was looking for into the attic. then, she found something interesting. It shaped like a short and thick stick. It was a flashlight. she turned on the flashlight and turn off again. It was working perfectly.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Annie left her brother's room. she went to her room and packed something
During jack was getting ready to go to magic tree house ,
Annie was packing thick socks , sweater, sneakers,and thin jacket .and sh also pack flashinght and pencil with her diary
when she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house she thought she has more time to pack something
or do something because her gorther even not pack his clothes and anyting he need.
Annie go to the kitchin and packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks.then
she crept downstairs.

Subject: Feedback for Hyeon-Joong Fri Oct 09, 2009 9:58 am

Hyeon-Joong wrote:: [1]When Jack was getting ready to go into the woods, Annie dressed up her clothes quickly and find something for things that they need for go into the woods. She was looking for into the attic. then, she found something interesting. It shaped like a short and thick stick. It was a flashlight. she turned on the flashlight and turn off again. It was working perfectly.

[1] You need to look at fixing this sentence because it is awkward reading"find something for things".

It looks like your story is cut short. What does Annie do after she has found the flashlight? Is that the only thing you believe she will need to go into dark woods? I think you can write a lot more. Please try to add additional information to your story.

Rewrite your story in a new post.

Subject: Feedback for Yoon-Ha Fri Oct 09, 2009 7:25 pm

Yoon-Ha wrote:: [1.]Annie left her brother's room. she went to her room and packed something. [2.]During jack was getting ready to go to magic tree house, [1.]Annie was packing thick socks, sweater, sneakers,and thin jacket .and sh also pack flashinght and pencil with her diary when she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house she thought she has more time to pack something or do something because her gorther even not pack his clothes and anyting he need. Annie go to the kitchin and packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks.then she crept downstairs.

This is a good first draft Yoon-Ha. Your story is easy to follow and is well sequenced. There are a few things you need to fix to make your story better.

[1.] The two sentences should be one because you are saying the same thing two times.
[2.] This is a VERY LONG sentence. Try making multiple(many) sentences.
3. Look at your punctuation and capitalization (capital letters).

Rewrite your story in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Annie left to her room and packed something. Jack was getting ready to go to magic tree house. Annie was also packing thick socks, sweater, sneakers,and thin jacket . She also packed flashinght and pencil with her diary .When she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house, She thought she has more time to pack something or do something.Because her borther even not packed his clothes and anyting he need. Annie go to the kitchin and packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks.then she crept downstairs.

Subject: Second Draft Feedback for Yoon-Ha Tue Oct 20, 2009 5:30 pm

Yoon-Ha wrote:: [1]Annie left to her room and packed something. Jack was getting ready to go to magic tree house. [1]Annie was also packing thick socks, sweater, sneakers,and thin jacket . She also packed flashinght and pencil with her diary .[-1]When she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house, She thought she has more time to pack something or do something.[-2]Because her borther even not packed his clothes and anyting he need. [-1/2] Annie go to the kitchin and packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks. [2] then she crept downstairs. (yoon ah fixed it)

This is a much stronger paragraph. Well done. There are still some elements to fix, but much better.

Look at the spelling, punctuation and capitalization.

[1] These two sentences are identical. Put them together to make one stronger sentence.
[2] Where is the kitchen? Is it upstairs?

[-1] Why are you using the present simple?
[-2] You are missing a verb to go with your 'not'

Write your final draft in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

when , jack was packing his stuff ,Annie went back to her room and packed something that they will need to travel to the magic tree house . She also packed flashinght and pencil with her diary . she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house, She thought she has more time to pack something or do something.[-2]Because her borther even not packed his stuff. Annie went down stair and went to kitchin (I don't know how to fix it).She packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks. then she go through the aisle ,and wait for jack next to stair.

Subject: Final Feedback for Yoon-Ha Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:32 am

Yoon-Ha wrote:: when , jack was packing his stuff ,Annie went back to her room and packed something that they will need to travel to the magic tree house . She also packed flashinght and pencil with her diary . she finished to get ready to go to magic tree house, She thought she has more time to pack something or do something.[-2]Because her borther even not packed his stuff. Annie went down stair and went to kitchin (I don't know how to fix it).She packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks. then she go through the aisle ,and wait for jack next to stair.

Hello Yoon-Ha.

This is the final feedback, so you do not need to write another draft.

You did well in trying to correct your errors in order to make your story stronger. I would have liked to have seen your first correction look like this. There are still a number of things we need to work on, such as organizing your ideas and using the appropriate verb tenses.

Fixing [-1/2] Annie go to the kitchin and packed some chocolate bar, and some snacks.
Annie went to the kitchen and packed some chocolate bars, and some snacks.

Fixing [-2]Because her borther even not packed his clothes and anyting he need.
Because her brother had not finished packing his clothes and other things he needed.

Fixing [2] then she crept downstairs.
Then she crept toward the door.

Your grade: Mechanics: C // Language Use: C // Story Development: C+ // Impression on the Reader: C+
Final Score: C

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

When Jack was getting ready to go into the woods, Annie dressed up her clothes quickly and find somethingthat they need for go into the woods. She was looking for into the attic. then, she found something interesting. It shaped like a short and thick stick. It was a flashlight. she turned on the flashlight and turn off again. It was working perfectly. then she searched attic again. but she can't find something useful.
and she leaved he attic queitly. she put the flashlight into Jack's backpack. she is ready to go out.

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

When Jack was getting ready to go into the woods, Annie dressed up her clothes quickly and find somethingthat they need for go into the woods. She was looking for into the attic. then, she found something interesting. It shaped like a short and thick stick. It was a flashlight. she turned on the flashlight and turn off again. It was working perfectly. then she searched attic again. but she can't find something useful.
and she leaved he attic queitly. she put the flashlight into Jack's backpack. she is ready to go out. Then, they went out. they went back to their house. it was dark, deep and huge forest. they slowy walked into the woods. after few minutes walking, they could see the tree house that hang on the tree. Annie took the flashlight on her hand and she tried to clim up the ladder to go up to the tree house.

Subject: Second Feedback for Hyeon-Joong Tue Dec 15, 2009 8:08 am

Hyeon-Joong wrote:: When Jack was getting ready to go into the woods, [1]Annie dressed up her clothes quickly and [2]find something that they need for go into the woods. [3]She was looking for into the attic. then, she found something interesting. [4]It shaped like a short and thick stick. It was a flashlight. [5]she turned on the flashlight and turn off again. It was working perfectly. then she searched attic again. [5]but she can't find something useful. and she leaved he attic queitly. she put the flashlight into Jack's backpack. [6]she is ready to go out. [7]Then, they went out. [7]they went back to their house. it was dark, deep and huge forest. they slowy walked into the woods. after few minutes walking, they could see the tree house that hang on the tree. Annie took the flashlight on her hand and she tried to clim up the ladder to go up to the tree house.

Hello Hyeon-Joong. It is nice to see that your story is getting stronger with each rewrite. Good work!

I want you to take your time and fix your mistakes very well. Look at your capital letters, spelling and your punctuation. Remember this story is written in the past tense. So all your verbs should be in the past tense.

[1] To dress up means to put on a costume or some fancy clothes.
[2] To find something means to locate it to take it into possession. What you mean to say is to she is looking or searching for something.[2] We cannot say for go into. You cannot place the word 'for' in front of a verb.
[3] We cannot say for into the. You need to change into.
[4] It shaped = It was shaped
[5/6] verb tense
[7] Did they go out or did they go back to their house?

Looking forward to reading your final draft.