2. Leaving Again

Subject: 2. Leaving Again Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:52 am

Write a descriptive story about the black knight in shining armor seen by Annie and Jack.
Use and underline 10 words or phrasal verbs from the vocabulary list from this chapter.

Name	Written	Do Again	Do Again	FINISH
Kelly	X	X	X	X
Lisa	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X

Name	1st feedback	2nd feedback	Grade
Yoon-Ah	Done	Done	B
Hyeon-Joong	Done	XXX	XXX
Name	XXX	XXX	XXX
Name
Name
Name
Name

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

annie sail we wish we could see this guy for real,
annie made jack act up. jack doesn't wat to see them.so jack crawl the corner of the magic tree house it was damp jack peek outside of themagic tree house
suddenly.there is some sounds he could hear. it sounds like armor moving.and horse cried whinny. and knight loomed his appear
there is a knights and horse . the man 's sound like groaning.
jack yanked annie in the tree house. absolutely jack think knight was dangerous .

Subject: Feedback for Yoon-Ha Fri Oct 09, 2009 8:29 pm

Yoon-Ha wrote:: annie sail we wish we could see this guy for real,
annie made jack act up. jack doesn't wat to see them.so jack crawl the corner of the magic tree house it was damp jack peek outside of themagic tree house
suddenly.there is some sounds he could hear. it sounds like armor moving.and horse cried whinny. and knight loomed his appear
there is a knights and horse . the man 's sound like groaning.
jack yanked annie in the tree house. absolutely jack think knight was dangerous .

Hi Yoon-Ha. You need to write a story about the knight. Do not write a story about Annie and Jack.

Please use proper punctuation and capitalization. It is not enjoyable to read a story that does not take into account capital letters and punctuation.

Rewrite your story in a new post.

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

The knight who wears shiny armor loomed from the damp, misty air. he was wearing coat on the armor that was made with leather.
And he absolutely riding a horse such as other knights. The black horse was whinning. Knigthtsqueezed his fur and yanked them to move the place.
Both knight and horse were shivering with cold.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Annie and Jack crawl to the edge of the magic tree house and they peek for knight. He is riding a black horse, the horse moaned 'whinny' and it runs through damp forest. The horse wore a nobles' horse's clothes. Horse's clothes was made of smooth bright fabric and colored with gold and silver. the horse looked like strong teeny . The knight was wearing heavy armor.he also wore a thick breastplate that made of gold. maybe he would wear thin leather in his armor. he was holding a long and shining spear. The knight and horse looks very scary.if i seen the knight i shuddered my leg quickly and trembled all the part of my body.

Subject: First feedback for Hyeon-Joong Sat Oct 31, 2009 2:30 pm

Hyeon-Joong wrote:: [1]The knight who wears shiny armor loomed from the damp, misty air. he was wearing coat on the armor that was made with leather. [12]And he absolutely riding a horse such as other knights. The black horse was whinning. [3]Knigthtsqueezed his fur and yanked them to move the place. [4]Both knight and horse were shivering with cold.

Hello Hyeon-Joong. Thank you for submitting your first draft. I like your first effort. It presents the knight and you describe him/her very well. I would really like to have more of a story rather than a simple paragraph. Look at the numbers below to help you develop a story.

[1] Where was he coming from?
[2] I don't understand this sentence.
[3] Why did the knight ask his horse to move?
[4] Why were they shivering with cold?

Write your second draft in a new post.

Subject: Second Draft Feedback for Yoon-Ha Sat Oct 31, 2009 4:47 pm

Yoon-Ha wrote:: [-1]Annie and Jack crawl to the edge of the magic tree house and they peek for knight. [-2]He is riding a black horse, the horse moaned 'whinny' and it runs through damp forest. The horse wore a nobles' horse's clothes. Horse's clothes was made of smooth bright fabric and colored with gold and silver. [1]the horse looked like strong teeny . The knight was wearing heavy armor.he also wore a thick breastplate that made of gold. maybe he would wear thin leather in his armor. he was holding a long and shining spear. The knight and horse looks very scary.[2]if i seen the knight i shuddered my leg quickly and trembled all the part of my body.

Hello Yoon-Ha. Here is the feedback on your second draft.

To begin, your story is getting better. You are describing the knight and his horse. That is good. I really wish you would present all of this information in a story. Try to make a little story with what you have written.

Look at your verb tenses. In the first sentence you are using the present simple (this is okay), but in the second sentence you are using the present continuous (okay), the simple past (not okay), and present simple (okay). Use the same verb tense for all your sentences.

Do you know when we use capital letters? The 1st letter of a word following a period[.], a question mark[?] and an exclamation point [!] MUST have a capital letter.

[-1] ... 'they peek for knight.' You need to change the for.
[-2] 'whinny' is the sound of a horse. It cannot moan 'whinny'

[1] I don't understand. I think 'teeny' is not the right word.
[2] Why are you in the story?

Rewrite your last essay/story in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

Annie and Jack crawled to the edge of the magic tree house and they peeked the knight. He was riding a black horse, the horse made moan. The horse looked poor. It cried 'whinny' and it runs through damp forest. The horse wore a nobles' horse's clothes. Horse's clothes was made of smooth bright fabric and colored with gold and silver. The horse looked like strong but it seems teeny . The knight was wearing heavy armor.He also wore a thick breastplate that made of gold. Maybe he would wear thin leather in his armor. he was holding a long and shining spear. The knight and horse looked very scary.Likewise, they have to protect the castle from enemy.So they would seem scary and enemies shuddering their legs and trembleing all part of body.

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

The knight was ridding horse to here far from away at the field. I looked at the knight. The knight who wears shiny armor loomed from the damp, misty air. he was wearing coat on the armor that was made with leather. And he was riding a horse such as other knights. The black horse was whinning. A horses mane was black, too. I slowy walked and followed him. the weather was cold. so knight shivered his body for a while and he continued to keep going somewhere. I thought the knight's destination is the castle. I might follow the knight and have to go into the castle with him. if I go alone down the draw bridge many arrows would fly toward me. when the knight is passing the drawbridge I have to run fast as I can. then, I can go into the castle without any dagerous happens.

Subject: Final Feedback & Grade for Yoon-Ha Tue Dec 15, 2009 10:58 am

Yoon-Ha wrote:: Annie and Jack crawled to the edge of the magic tree house and they peeked the knight. He was riding a black horse, the horse made moan. The horse looked poor. It cried 'whinny' and it runs through damp forest. The horse wore a nobles' horse's clothes. Horse's clothes was made of smooth bright fabric and colored with gold and silver. The horse looked like strong but it seems teeny . The knight was wearing heavy armor.He also wore a thick breastplate that made of gold. Maybe he would wear thin leather in his armor. he was holding a long and shining spear. The knight and horse looked very scary.Likewise, they have to protect the castle from enemy.So they would seem scary and enemies shuddering their legs and trembleing all part of body.

Well done Yoon-Ha! You describe the horse andits rider very well. I would have liked to have read more of a storye surrounding the two characters, but overall I am pleased with your effort.

Mechanics = B ... Grammar in use = B ... Story development = B+ ... Impression on the reader = B ... Final Grade = B

Subject: Second Feedback for Hyeon-Joong Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:41 pm

Hyeon-Joong wrote:: [1]The knight was ridding horse to here far from away at the field. I looked at the knight. The knight who wears shiny armor loomed from the damp, misty air. [2]he was wearing coat on the armor that was made with leather. And he was riding a horse such as other knights. The black horse was whinning. A horses mane was black, too. I slowy walked and followed him. the weather was cold. so knight shivered his body for a while and he continued to keep going somewhere. I thought the knight's destination is the castle. I might follow the knight and have to go into the castle with him. if I go alone down the draw bridge many arrows would fly toward me. when the knight is passing the drawbridge I have to run fast as I can. then, I can go into the castle without any dagerous happens.

This is a good second draft Hyeon-Joong.