4. Into the Castle

Subject: 4. Into the Castle Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:55 am

Pretend you are a knight enjoying the feast. Write a story using the simple past to describe what happened during the feast.
Use and underline 10 words or phrasal verbs from the vocabulary list from this chapter.

Name	Written	Do Again	Do Again	FINISH
Kelly	X	X	X	X
Lisa	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X
Name	X	X	X	X

Name	1st feedback	2nd feedback	Grade
Yoon-Ah	Done	Done	XXX
Hyeon-Joong	Done	XXX	XXX
Name	XXX	XXX	XXX
Name
Name
Name
Name

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

At night , l was enjoying a party with nobles. Most of them wore capes. Outside of the feast room, some were holding Blazed Torches. I drank lots of liquor. because of the liquor I felt cold. and I coruched my chin. A few minutes later, I whirled in my chair. I wanted to wake up from lliquor , also l wanted to stroll the yard with my horse. Threrfore l went to stable. When I opened the door of horse, th door was creaked .I halted for a second. I heard a dim sound oimly. A few seconds later, Devil in my mind muttered fo me" If someone hides in my stable I will not allow for this to happen "and the angel in my mind answered back "you have to allow them" So I replied to the angel" "ok. I'll allow them"

Subject: Feedback for Yoon-Ha Sun Oct 18, 2009 7:41 am

Yoon-Ha wrote:: At night , l was enjoying a party with nobles. Most of them wore capes. [1]Outside of the feast room, some were holding Blazed Torches. I drank lots of liquor. because of the liquor I felt cold. and I coruched my chin. A few minutes later, I whirled in my chair. I wanted to wake up from lliquor , also l wanted to stroll the yard with my horse. Threrfore l went to stable. [-]When I opened the door of horse, th door was creaked .I halted for a second. [2]I heard a dim sound oimly. A few seconds later, Devil in my mind muttered fo me" If someone hides in my stable I will not allow for this to happen "and the angel in my mind answered back "you have to allow them" So I replied to the angel" "ok. I'll allow them"

I want to start by saying that I am really happy to see you correcting your mistakes. That is a very good sign that you want to improve. Excellent!

I really like your story. I wish it were a little longer. It looks very interesting.

[1] Who is 'some'? Are nobles outside holding blazed torches?
[2] What kind of sound did you hear?

[-] Fix your spelling and sentence. (Opened the door of horse?)

Rewrite your story in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

At night , l was enjoying a party with nobles. Most of them wore capes. Outside of the feast room, tall guards were holding Blazed Torches. I drank lots of liquor. because of the liquor I felt cold. and I coruched my chin. A few minutes later, I whirled in my chair. I wanted to wake up from lliquor , also l wanted to stroll the yard with my horse. Threrfore l went to stable. When I opened the door of horse's corral, the door was creaked .I halted for a second. I heard a dim sounds like person whispered oimly. A few seconds later, Devil in my mind muttered fo me" If someone hides in my stable I will not allow for this to happen "and the angel in my mind answered back "you have to allow them" So I replied to the angel" "ok. I'll allow them"

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

In the feast, I felt awed. Because in the feast, some strange children watched me with surprising eyes. but I didn't metion it. I gor an antler for the gift. The door was next to the fireplace. That was decorated with cobblestone. I was wearing a cape. But the children were wearing strange clothes.
They were hiding behind the dimly lit door. But I didn't took a halt and eat again. Servants were muttering. and they went to the stable to take care of horses. I strolled in the hall. There was squeaking sound when I was walking. Suddenly, some soldiers went outside with torches. My head was whirling with strange happens.

Subject: Second Feedback for Yoon-Ha Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:11 pm

Yoon-Ha wrote:: At night , l was enjoying a party with nobles. Most of them wore capes. Outside of the feast room, [-] tall guards were holding Blazed Torches. I drank lots of liquor. because of the liquor I felt cold.[1] and I coruched my chin. A few minutes later, I whirled in my chair. I wanted to wake up from lliquor , also l wanted to stroll the yard with my horse. Threrfore l went to stable. [-/2]When I opened the door of horse's corral, the door was creaked .I halted for a second. [-]I heard a dim sounds like person whispered oimly. A few seconds later, Devil in my mind muttered fo me" If someone hides in my stable I will not allow for this to happen "and the angel in my mind answered back "you have to allow them" So I replied to the angel" "ok. I'll allow them"

Hello Yoon-Ha. This is a very good second draft. I really like reading your how your story is going. I wish you would write more. I think you could write a strong and very interesting story. Let's try to improve what you have written. Look at the numbers below.

After a period(.), a question mark(?) and an exclamation point(!) the first letter of the next word must be capitalized.

[-] tall guards were holding Blazed Torches
[-] When I opened the door of horse's corral, the door was creaked
[-] I heard a dim sounds like person whispered oimly

[1] "and I coruched my chin." > You can't crouched your chin. You can crouch (to crouch means to bend down) and you can pull-in your chin. The use of 'and' means you did two things, but I think you pulled-in your chin because you were cold, this is means you need a cause-effect transition word (so, for that reason)
[2] the horses can't be in a 'corral' if they are in a stable.

Write your last draft in a new post.

Subject: First feedback for Hyeon-Joong Wed Nov 04, 2009 9:51 am

Hyeon-Joong wrote:: [A]In the feast, I felt awed. Because in the feast, some strange children watched me with surprising eyes. [1]but I didn't metion it. [2]I gor an antler for the gift. The door was next to the fireplace. That was decorated with cobblestone. I was wearing a cape. But the children were wearing strange clothes.
[3-4]They were hiding behind the dimly lit door. [5]But I didn't took a halt and eat again. Servants were muttering. and they went to the stable to take care of horses. I strolled in the hall. There was squeaking sound when I was walking. Suddenly, some soldiers went outside with torches. [6]My head was whirling with strange happens.

Hi Hyeon-Joong. For a first draft this is okay. I know where you are and what you are doing, but I do not know why you are there? I would also like to know why you've decided to go into the hall and why your head is whirling?

Where are your underlined vocabulary words?

[1] You did not mention what to who?
[2] Why did someone give you a gift? Who gave you the antlers?
[3] WHo is hiding behind the dimly lit door?
[4] Is this the same door that is next to the fireplace?
[5] I don't understand.
[6] Why is your head whirling?

[A] You need to organize your sentences. You begin by talking about yourself and the boys looking at you. Then you mention a gift, and then you start describing your environment. You finish by talking about yourself and the boys again.

Write your second draft in a new post.

Posts : 36 Join date : 2009-10-01

At night , l was enjoying a party with nobles. Most of them wore capes. Outside of the feast room, tall guards were holding blazed torches. I drank lots of liquor. because of the liquor I felt cold. And I coruched my body. A few minutes later, I whirled in my chair. I wanted to wake up from lliquor , also l wanted to stroll the yard with my horse. Threrfore l went to stable that placed in front of pig's corral. When I opened the door of horse's stable, The door was creaked !. I halted for a second. I heard a dim sounds like person whispered oimly. A few seconds later, Devil in my mind muttered fo me" If someone hides in my stable I will not allow for this to happen "and the angel in my mind answered back "you have to allow them" So I replied to the angel" "ok. I'll allow them"

Posts : 28 Join date : 2009-09-24

After I finish my important mission. the lord of the castle invited me to the night feast. In the feast, I felt a little bit angry. Because in the feast, some strange children watched me with surprising eyes. but I didn't metion it. I gor an antler for the gift. The door was next to the fireplace. That was decorated with cobblestone. I was wearing a cape. But the children were wearing strange clothes.
They were hiding behind the dimly lit door. But I didn't took a halt and eat again. Servants were muttering. and they went to the stable to take care of horses. I strolled in the hall. There was squeaking sound when I was walking. Suddenly, some soldiers went outside with torches. My head was whirling with strange happens.