YSO English Learn to Write to Learn |
| | Chapter Seven | |
| | Author | Message |
---|
Admin Admin
Posts : 358 Join date : 2009-09-23 Age : 49 Location : Changwon, Korea / Ottawa, Canada
| Subject: Chapter Seven Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:24 am | |
| What do you think will happen to the Baudelaire children if Count Olaf gets a hold of their fortune? Use and underline 20 words from the Chapter 7 vocabulary list.Name | 1st feedback | 2nd feedback | Grade | Harold | Done | Done | C+ | Hye-Jin | Done | XXX | XXX | Peter | XXX | XXX | XXX | Hyeon-Joong | XXX | XXX | XXX | Yoon-Ah | XXX | XXX | XXX | Name | | | | Name | | | | Name | | | | Name | | | | Name | | | | Name | | | | TBG = to be graded FBC = feedback coming
Last edited by Admin on Tue Dec 08, 2009 6:44 pm; edited 4 times in total | |
| | | Harold
Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28
| Subject: How Violet became very notorious Tue Sep 29, 2009 4:53 pm | |
| After Count Olaf got heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. So Violet and her siblings decide to smuggle, but fails. Next day , Olaf becomes crazy, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want the money! " So the associates had to calm him down. Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed. Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. But she didn't notice she had a blur on her face. Then she got an implication that Count Olaf will kill them. So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her again. Well, that was another incentive. But Count Olaf killed himself and Violet became very notorious. | |
| | | Hye-Jin
Posts : 37 Join date : 2009-09-28
| Subject: Count Olaf and the siblings Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:52 pm | |
| The Baudelaire siblings didn't persuade but they had to give their fortune. Their was a incentive of money.When they had to give it to Count Olaf.the siblings looked at the beady eyes of Count olaf. It all became uncontrollably count Olaf was hideous it was notoriosthey were heaping. They just wanted to prevent it . Kaus was reading a glorious book,it as fastinating.It was a good opportunity.He read some thing wierd so he blushed.He thought Count Olaf like Achlles's heel. Klaus smuggled the book, it was a implicated book.then Violet came reading other books , then Violet found a good book, she threw it to Klaus, Klaus fetch it they read it hastly and found about pepole like Count Olaf and how to do.It said to run away sob they ran.Count Olaf didnt take teir fortune.
Last edited by Hye-Jin on Sun Oct 11, 2009 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Admin Admin
Posts : 358 Join date : 2009-09-23 Age : 49 Location : Changwon, Korea / Ottawa, Canada
| Subject: Feedback for Harold Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:55 am | |
| Hi Harold. What you see below is a breakdown (sentence-by-sentence) of your essay. I've placed it this way to point out a few things that can easily be fixed if you review your work before submitting it. Look at all the bolded words. These are verbs. In order to have a cohesive text your verbs should match.
Missused vocabulary words: smuggle > you must smuggle something or someone blur > something which is hard to see implication > something that is or can be implied incentive > a reward for doing something that might not be very pleasant - Harold wrote:
1]After Count Olaf got heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. 2]So Violet and her siblings decide to smuggle, but fails. What are they trying to smuggle? 3]Next day , Olaf becomes crazy, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want the money! " Doesn't he already have the money? 4]So the associates had to calm him down. 5]Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed. Why is Violet feelling glum? Why is she tired? A time frame is needed to make this story less confusing. Use time-order words and transition words to help make this story easier to read. 6]Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. 7]But she didn't notice she had a blur on her face. 8]Then she got an implication that Count Olaf will kill them. How does she know Count Olaf wants to kill them? 9]So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. 10]So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her again. When did Count Olaf try to kill her the first time? How does Count Olaf know that she knows that he wants to kill them? 11]Well, that was another incentive. What is the incentive? For who is the incentive? 12]But Count Olaf killed himself and Violet became very notorious. How does Count Olaf die? Why does Violet become notorious? Rewrite your story fixing your mistakes
Last edited by Admin on Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:44 pm; edited 2 times in total | |
| | | Admin Admin
Posts : 358 Join date : 2009-09-23 Age : 49 Location : Changwon, Korea / Ottawa, Canada
| Subject: Feedback for Hye-Jin Sat Oct 03, 2009 12:04 pm | |
| Hello Hye-Jin,
I think you need to read the question again. What will happen to the children if Count Olaf gets their fortune? In other words, Count Olaf gets the Baudelaire fortune. What happens to the children? Rewrite your story and be sure to answer the question. - Hye-Jin wrote:
- The Baudelaire siblings didn't persuade but they had to give their fortune. Their was a incentive of money.Whenthey had to give it to Count Olaf.the siblings looked at the beady eyes of Count olaf. It all became uncontrollably count Olaf was hideous it was notoriosthey were heaping. They just wanted to prevent it .
Kaus was reading a glorious book,it as fastinating.It was a good opportunity.He read some thingwierd so he blushed.He thought Count Olaf like Achlles's heel. Klaus smuggled the book, it was a implicated book.then Violet came reading other books , then Violet found a good book, she threw it to Klaus, Klaus fetch it they read it hastly and found about pepole like Count Olaf and how to do.It said to runaway sob they ran.Count Olaf didnt take teir fortune. | |
| | | Harold
Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28
| Subject: Re: Chapter Seven Sun Oct 11, 2009 6:18 am | |
| After Count Olaf gets heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. So Violet and her siblings decide to escape, but fails. And they smuggled a note from the forbidden tower. Next day , Olaf becomes crazy, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want more money! " So the associates calmed him down. Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed. It was 10 o'clock PM. Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. But she didn't notice eyesight was blur. By looking at the note from the tower, she got an implication that Count Olaf will kill them. So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her . Well, Olaf's attempt to kill Violet was another incentive. But notorious Count Olaf killed himself with his dagger, and Violet became very happy. - Admin wrote:
- Hi Harold. What you see below is a breakdown (sentence-by-sentence) of your essay. I've placed it this way to point out a few things that can easily be fixed if you review your work before submitting it. Look at all the bolded words. These are verbs. In order to have a cohesive text your verbs should match.
Missused vocabulary words: smuggle > you must smuggle something or someone blur > something which is hard to see implication > something that is or can be implied incentive > a reward for doing something that might not be very pleasant
- Harold wrote:
1]After Count Olaf got heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. 2]So Violet and her siblings decide to smuggle, but fails. What are they trying to smuggle? 3]Next day , Olaf becomes crazy, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want the money! " Doesn't he already have the money? 4]So the associates had to calm him down. 5]Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed. Why is Violet feelling glum? Why is she tired? A time frame is needed to make this story less confusing. Use time-order words and transition words to help make this story easier to read. 6]Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. 7]But she didn't notice she had a blur on her face. 8]Then she got an implication that Count Olaf will kill them. How does she know Count Olaf wants to kill them? 9]So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. 10]So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her again. When did Count Olaf try to kill her the first time? How does Count Olaf know that she knows that he wants to kill them? 11]Well, that was another incentive. What is the incentive? For who is the incentive? 12]But Count Olaf killed himself and Violet became very notorious. How does Count Olaf die? Why does Violet become notorious? Rewrite your story fixing your mistakes | |
| | | Admin Admin
Posts : 358 Join date : 2009-09-23 Age : 49 Location : Changwon, Korea / Ottawa, Canada
| Subject: Second Feedback for Harold Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:29 pm | |
| [quote="Harold"]After Count Olaf gets heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. [-1]So Violet and her siblings decide to escape, but fails. [1.]And they smuggled a note from the forbidden tower. [2.]Next day , Olaf becomes crazy, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want more money! " So the associates calmed him down. [3.]Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed. It was 10 o'clock PM. Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. [4.]But she didn't notice eyesight was blur. [-2] By looking at the note from the tower, she got an implication that Count Olaf will kill them. So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her . [5.] Well, Olaf's attempt to kill Violet was another incentive. But notorious Count Olaf killed himself with his dagger, and Violet became very happy.
This is a very good second draft Harold. Well done in trying to fix your problems. In this round of feedback I will point out three grammar mistakes along with three reading comprehension problems.
Look at your verb tenses. You begin with the present simple, move to the future, back to the present simple and then to the past simple. Choose a verb tense and stick to it.
[-1] Who 'fails'? [-2] The use of the word 'implication' is incorrect.
[1.] I don't understand. What note? When did they go into the forbidden tower? [2.] Why is Count Olaf going crazy? [3.] Why does Violet blush? [4.] How can she not notice her eye sight is blurry? [5.] Another incentive for what? | |
| | | Harold
Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28
| Subject: Re: Chapter Seven Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:40 pm | |
| After Count Olaf gets heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. So Violet and her siblings decide to escape, but they fail. And they smuggled a note from the forbidden tower. Next day , Olaf becomes crazy after drinking some wine, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want more money! " So the associates calmed him down. Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed because she was embarrassed from her movements. It was 10 o'clock PM. Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. But she didn't notice eyesight was blur. She thought she could not grt her eyes open because she was so tired. By looking at a secret note, she got an expectation that Count Olaf will kill them. So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her . Well, Olaf's attempt to kill Violet was the implication for Violet. But notorious Count Olaf killed himself with his dagger, and Violet became very happy. So Violet gave the theater troupe an incentive to move out of the house. | |
| | | Admin Admin
Posts : 358 Join date : 2009-09-23 Age : 49 Location : Changwon, Korea / Ottawa, Canada
| Subject: Final Feedback for Harold Wed Oct 21, 2009 2:28 pm | |
| - Harold wrote:
- After Count Olaf gets heaps of money from the fortune, I think he will have an opportunity to kill Violet and her siblings. So Violet and her siblings decide to escape, but they fail. And they smuggled a note from the forbidden tower. Next day , Olaf becomes crazy after drinking some wine, so uncontrollably, he fetched a bottle and untucked a dagger from his cloth and started to wave , saying " I want more money! " So the associates calmed him down. Feeling glumly, Violet's beady eyes became tired, so Klaus persuaded her to go to bed, and Violet blushed because she was embarrassed from her movements. It was 10 o'clock PM. Next morning, Violet woke up feeling glorious. But she didn't notice eyesight was blur. She thought she could not grt her eyes open because she was so tired. By looking at a secret note, she got an expectation that Count Olaf will kill them. So she got fascinated on the subject, how to prevent killing. So hastily, hideous Count Olaf, tried to kill her . Well, Olaf's attempt to kill Violet was the implication for Violet. But notorious Count Olaf killed himself with his dagger, and Violet became very happy.
So Violet gave the theater troupe an incentive to move out of the house. Overall this is a good effort. You tried to use 10 new words and you did try to fix some elements of your story. However, I think you could have written a lot more. Reading your story I feel like there is missing some very important information. For example, "When did Violet and her sibblings go to the Forbidden Tower? What was written on the note they smuggled from the Forbidden Tower?" Those are only a few questions I have that go unanswered. Hopefully in future writings you will look at developing your stories more.
Grade: Mechanics: C- // Language Use: C+ // Story Development: B- // Impression on the Reader: C ==> C+ | |
| | | Olivia Kirwin
Posts : 9 Join date : 2013-05-31
| Subject: Re: Chapter Seven Tue Jul 02, 2013 1:05 am | |
| After Count Olaf got the Baudelaire's fortune the orphans cried and cried while Count Olaf laughed and laughed. Then Count Olaf said "Ha, ha, ha you fouls just stepped right in to my trap!" Then he drank five more bottels of wine. Just then Klaus remember when sunny got hypnotized(see chapter 5).He knew how to hypnotize now that he read all about it in there nabours privite library. He hypnotized Count Olaf and made him go to jail. And Violet and her siblings lived with a Another part of their family. | |
| | | Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: Chapter Seven | |
| |
| | | | Chapter Seven | |
|
Similar topics | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| |
|