Chapter Eight

The one-eyed man walked into Justice Strauss' house while she was sleeping. He had a dagger. He clutched the dagger very tight, and it glinted in the moonlight. He was sure that he'll have triumph. The rain trickled into the window. If Justice Strauss knew this, she would be furious and insult him. But Justice Strauss was sleeping fitfully, and had a restless dream. When the one-eyed man saw her, he smirked. Right after, she moaned in a hoarse voice. He could see that she acquires something. But she disposed it. Then the one-eyed man had a dilemma. He had to choose either run away or kill her. He decided to run away, but Justice Strauss woke up and went to the bathroom. He felt like a runt. Then he heard Justice Strauss tromping down the stairs. The only requirement to go into the attic was to entera secret code. He tried to hide in the attic, but he couldn't. Then he heard Justice Strauss utter something. He could tell she had a subject on nupital laws. Then he jumped out of the window and fell into a hole full of dynamite. So he blew up. That was the last time the one-eyed man was ever seen or heard off.

The one eyed man walked into Justice Strauss's house while she was sleeping.Justice Strauss heard the sound she woke up some one coming to her room.She was clutching a flash light.She got scared.when she went to the living room, she heard someone whisling.
She saw a hooked man going to her private libray. "Who are you?" Justice Strauss asked.The hook man ran away.She thought he was a
thief when she was young but the circumstances were different.
The hooked man was sitting by the window squinting while he read a smuggled book from Justice Strauss's library.He occationally glanced at the book Klaus read.He heard Justice Strauss going to bed to sleep fitfully.He didn't disturb her even he hated her because maybe she might call the police,and make him goto jail.
He started reading the book and he thought 'Why is the boy reading this boring book?'

The one-eyed man walked into Justice Strauss' house while she was sleeping. He had a dagger. He clutched the dagger very tight, and it glinted in the moonlight. He was sure that he'll have triumph. The rain trickled into the window. If Justice Strauss knew this, she would be furious and insult him. But Justice Strauss was sleeping fitfully, and had a restless dream. When the one-eyed man saw her, he smirked. Right after, she moaned in a hoarse voice. He could see that she acquired a coffee jug. But she didn't like the jug. So she disposed it. Then the one-eyed man had a dilemma. He had to choose either run away or kill her. He decided to run away, but Justice Strauss woke up and went to the bathroom to pee. He felt like a runt. Then he heard Justice Strauss tromping down the stairs. The only requirement to go into the attic was to entera secret code. He tried to hide in the attic, but he couldn't. Then he heard Justice Strauss utter something. He could tell she had a subject on nupital laws. He wanted to get out of this scary house. So he jumped out of the window and fell into a hole full of dynamite at the road. So he blew up. That was the last time the one-eyed man was ever seen or heard off.

Admin wrote:

Harold wrote:

1The one-eyed man walked into Justice Strauss' house while she was sleeping. He had a dagger. He clutched the dagger very tight, and it glinted in the moonlight. He was sure that he'll have triumph. The rain trickled into the window. If Justice Strauss knew this, she would be furious and insult him. But Justice Strauss was sleeping fitfully, and had a restless dream. When the one-eyed man saw her, he smirked. Right after, she moaned in a hoarse voice. He could see that she acquires something (What did she acquire? How did she acquire it? She is sleeping, isn't she?). But she disposed it (What did she dispose?). Then the one-eyed man had a dilemma. He had to choose either run away or kill her. 14He decided to run away, but Justice Strauss woke up and went to the bathroom(Why did she go to the bathroom?). 15 He felt like a runt. 16 Then he heard Justice Strauss tromping down the stairs. 17The only requirement to go into the attic was to entera secret code.18 He tried to hide in the attic, but he couldn't. 19 Then he heard Justice Strauss utter something. 20 He could tell she had a subject on nupital laws. 21Then he jumped out of the window and fell into a hole full of dynamite(Why did he jump out the window? Where is he?). So he blew up. That was the last time the one-eyed man was ever seen or heard off.

I trully enjoyed reading your story Harold. It is creative and quite interesting. I would love to see it unfold further (longer story). Keep working hard.

The most important element to address at the moment is organization. Your story runs into trouble from sentences 14 to 21. The major problem is the location of your characters. Justice Strauss wakes up and goes downstairs (sentences 14 and 16). The one-eyed man runs away, but we don't know where he goes, yet we can only guess that he is going to the third floor of the house because he wants to go into the attic (sentences 14, 17, 18). In sentence 19, Justice Strauss utters something and the one-eyed man can hear her. If he is on the third floor and she is on the first floor, she is not uttering, she is yelling.

Minor problems with vocabulary:
acquire > to gain something
dispose > to make ready (according to your context)

Please rewrite your story by taking into account the points I have mentioned.

[quote="Harold"]The one-eyed man walked into Justice Strauss' house while she was sleeping. He had a dagger. [-]He clutched the dagger very tight, and it glinted in the moonlight. [-1]He was sure that he'll have triumph. [-]The rain trickled into the window. If Justice Strauss knew this, she would be furious and insult him. [-2]But Justice Strauss was sleeping fitfully, and had a restless dream. When the one-eyed man saw her, he smirked. Right after, she moaned in a hoarse voice. Acolor=brown][1][/color]He could see that she acquired a coffee jug. ABut she didn't like the jug. ASo she disposed it. Then the one-eyed man had a dilemma. [-]He had to choose either run away or kill her. AHe decided to run away, but Justice Strauss woke up and went to the bathroom to pee. He felt like a runt. Then he heard Justice Strauss tromping down the stairs. The only requirement to go into the attic was to entera secret code. He tried to hide in the attic, but he couldn't. Then he heard Justice Strauss utter something. He could tell she had a subject on nupital laws. [2]He wanted to get out of this scary house. So he jumped out of the window and fell into a hole full of dynamite at the road. So he blew up. That was the last time the one-eyed man was ever seen or heard off.

This is a good second draft Harold. You did well at fixing some problems which I highlighted in your first essay, but there is a sequence element to fix.

[1] She is sleeping. She cannot acquire anything.
[2] Why is it a scary house?
[3] Why must he choose between killing her and running away? Why is the one-eyed man in Justice Strauss' house to begin with?
[4] Where did he hide when Justice Strauss woke up?
[-] Grammar mistake
[-1] Why are you using the future tense
[-2] Need to use the past continuous in your second clause "... and has a restless dream."

A Sequence *A person must be awake to acquire something. However, you tell us that she is sleeping.*

Please rewrite your story by taking into account the points I have mentioned.

The one-eyed man walked into Justice Strauss' house while she was sleeping. He had a dagger. He clutched the dagger very tightly, and it glinted in the moonlight. He was sure that he would have triumph. The raindrops trickled into the window. If Justice Strauss knew this, she would be furious and insult him. But Justice Strauss was sleeping fitfully, and was having a restless dream. When the one-eyed man saw her, he smirked. Right after, she moaned in a hoarse voice. He could see that in her dream, she acquired a coffee jug. But she didn't like the jug. So she disposed it. (The one-eyed man was a genius.) Then the one-eyed man had a dilemma. He had to choose either to run away or to kill her. Then he decided to run away, but Justice Strauss woke up and went to the bathroom to pee. He hid at her library. At there, he felt like a runt. Then he heard Justice Strauss tromping down the stairs. The only requirement to go into the attic was to enter a secret code. He tried to hide in the attic, but he couldn't. Then he heard Justice Strauss utter something. He could tell she had a subject on nupital laws. He wanted to get out of this house fast. So he jumped out of the window and fell into a hole full of dynamite at the road. So he blew up. That was the last time the one-eyed man was ever seen or heard off.

The one eyed man went inside by the window to Justice Strauss's house while she was sleeping.Justice Strauss heard the sound she woke up some one coming to her room. She was clutching a flash light. She got scared. when she went to the living room, she heard someone whisling.
She saw a one-eyed man going to her private libray. "Who are you?" Justice Strauss asked.[2]The one eyed man ran away. [1]She thought he was a thief like when she was young but the circumstances were different. [2]The one eyed man again came by the window squinting while he read a smuggled book from Justice Strauss's library.He stealed it. He occationally glanced at the book Klaus read. [3]He knew Justice Strauss going to sleep fitfully. He didn't disturb her even he hated her because maybe she might call the police, and make him go to jail. He started reading the book and he thought 'Why is the boy reading this boring book?'then he ran away with te book andthat was the last time the one eyed man was ever seen.

The one eyed man walked into Justice Strauss's house while she was sleeping.She woke and saw the one Eyed men trying to capture her. But luckily she was a ninja when she was younger and she still remembered all the moves. So she kicked the one eyed man in the face and said "Get out!". And that was the last time eyed man was ever seen or herd of.