Chapter Four

Subject: Chapter Four Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:18 am

Create a story about one of Count Olaf’s plays.
Use and underline 20 words from your Chapter 4 vocabulary list.
Bold all of the pronouns.

Name	1st feedback	2nd feedback	Grade
Harold	Done	Done	XXX
Hyae-Jin	XXX	XXX	XXX
Peter	XXX	XXX	XXX
Hyeon-Joong	XXX	XXX	XXX
Yoon-Ah	XXX	XXX	XXX
Name
Name
Name
Name
Name

TBG = to be graded
FBC = feedback coming

Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28

John(Count Olaf) walks down the street. He is famous for being despicable. Then John meets a woman(one of the white faced woman). John didn't know her a lot, but he knows that she is very strict. But today, she looked more odder. She was older, so she slouched more. John said " Why did you discipline your children yesterday? " She replied " They didn't obey me , so I disciplined them, then they went wailing " she said angrily " I'm not someone to be trifled with! " Then she went weeping. Then they heard a cackling sound that said " The Pirates are coming! " The Pirate Captain(The man with a hook as a hand) shouted " We are the inheritors of the sea! Get into the vat or we'll kill you!!! " So the people got into the vat. They were carried onto a wrecked ship. They had a outburst. They pitted against each other. They had some repetitive actions. John had a revulsion at the captain. The captain strode toward him. Then a knight(the bald man)killed the captain. John appreciated him. The knight agreed that the pirates were revolting. So John lived happily ever after.

Subject: First Feedback for Harold Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:44 pm

Harold wrote:: John(Count Olaf) walks down the street. He is famous for being despicable. Then John meets a woman(one of the white faced woman). John didn't know her a lot, but he knows that she is very strict. [1]But today, she looked more odder. She was older, so she slouched more. [2]John said " Why did you discipline your children yesterday? " She replied " They didn't obey me , so I disciplined them, then they went wailing " she said angrily " I'm not someone to be trifled with! " [3]Then she went weeping. Then they heara a cackling sound that said " The Pirates are coming! " [4]The Pirate Captain(The man with a hook as a hand) shouted " We are the inheritors of the sea! Get into the vat or we'll kill you!!! " So the people got into the vat. They were carried onto a wrecked ship. [5]They had a outburst. They pitted against each other. [6]They had some repetitive actions. John had a revulsion at the captain. The captain strode toward him. Then a knight(the bald man)killed the captain. John appreciated him. The knight agreed that the pirates were revolting. So John lived happily ever after.

This is a good first draft Harold. You have some very interesting elements in your story. I am positive that you can make it even better with a little more reflexion. Below are a few questions that can help you develop your story a little more.

Look at your verb tenses. You start by writing your story in the simple present and then you move into the simple past. Choose one time (past or present) and stick with it.

[1] Why does the laddy look odder than usual?
[2] How does John know that she disciplined her children yesterday?
[3] Why is she weeping? You describe her as a strong woman. I have difficulty understanding why she is crying.
[4] Why are the pirates 'attacking'.
[5] Why was there an outburst?
[6] I don't understand. You need to develop this idea.

I am looking forward to reading your rewrite. I am positive that you will do your best to make your story even stronger.

Post your rewrite in a new post.

Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28

John(Count Olaf) walks down the street. He is famous for being despicable. Then John meets a woman(one of the white faced woman). John didn't know her a lot, but he knows that she is very strict. But today, she looked more odder. She was old, so she slouched more. She told him that she disciplined her children yesterday. So John said " Why did you discipline your children yesterday? " She replied " They didn't obey me , so I disciplined them, then they went wailing " she said. " I'm not someone to be trifled with. " Then she went weeping. Then they heard a cackling sound that said " The Pirates are coming to get our treasures! " The Pirate Captain(The man with a hook as a hand) shouted " We are the inheritors of the sea! Get into the vat or we'll kill you!!! " So the people got into the vat. They were carried onto a wrecked ship. They had a outburst. The pirates and the people pitted against each other. They both had some repetitive actions. John had a revulsion at the captain. The captain strode toward him. Then a knight(the bald man)killed the captain. John appreciated him. The knight agreed that the pirates were revolting. So John lived happily ever after.

Subject: Re: Chapter Four Tue Dec 08, 2009 12:55 pm

Harold wrote:: John(Count Olaf) walks down the street. [1]He is famous for being despicable. [2]Then John meets a woman(one of the white faced woman). John didn't know her a lot, but he knows that she is very strict. [a]But today, she looked more odder. She was old, so she slouched more. She told him that she disciplined her children yesterday. So John said " Why did you discipline your children yesterday? " She replied " They didn't obey me , so I disciplined them, then they went wailing " she said. " I'm not someone to be trifled with. " Then she went weeping. Then they heard a cackling sound that said " The Pirates are coming to get our treasures! " The Pirate Captain(The man with a hook as a hand) shouted " We are the inheritors of the sea! Get into the vat or we'll kill you!!! " So the people got into the vat. They were carried onto a wrecked ship. They had a outburst. The pirates and the people pitted against each other. [3]They both had some repetitive actions. [b]John had a revulsion at the captain. The captain strode toward him. Then a knight(the bald man)killed the captain. John appreciated him. The knight agreed that the pirates were revolting. So John lived happily ever after.

Your second draft is a good improvement on your first draft. I like the way you tried to answer my questions by including additional information to your story. I still have a few questions to ask.

1. You mention that John is despicable, but he doesn't do anything despicable in your story. If he is infamous for this I should see some despicable actions from him.
2. Is the lady important to your story? You spend three lines writing about her, but yet when the pirates come into town she disappears from your story. Maybe she should play some kind of role on the wrecked ship.
3. "They both had some repetitive actions." What does this mean?
4. What happened to the other pirates?

[a] she looked more odder > she looked odder
[b] John had a revulsion at the captain. >John felt revolted when in the presence of the captain.

I am looking forward to reading your final draft. Write it in a new post.

Posts : 40 Join date : 2009-09-28

John(Count Olaf) walks down the street. He is famous for being kind and genorous. Then John meets a woman(one of the white faced woman). John didn't know her a lot, but he knows that she is very strict. But today, she looked odder. She was old, so she slouched more. She told him that she disciplined her children yesterday. So John said " Why did you discipline your children yesterday? " She replied " They didn't obey me , so I disciplined them, then they went wailing " she said. " I'm not someone to be trifled with. " Then she went weeping. Then they heard a cackling sound that said " The Pirates are coming to get our treasures! " The Pirate Captain(The man with a hook as a hand) shouted " We are the inheritors of the sea! Get into the vat or we'll kill you!!! " So the people got into the vat. But the woman fled and hid when the pirates came looking for her. They were carried onto a wrecked ship. They had a outburst. The pirates and the people pitted against each other. They both had some weird taekwondo actions. John felt revolted when in the presence of the captain. The captain strode toward him. Then a knight(the bald man)killed the captain. The other pirates fled and sailed away. John appreciated him. The knight agreed that the pirates were idiots. So John lived happily ever after.

Posts : 37 Join date : 2009-09-28

a kid scrapped a paper it looked odd he ripped it and said I daresay it looked scaggly bad. The kid didn`t have any displine and obeyment and he didn`t appreciate audults.He scrapped another paper he stoded he saw the assorment of mamere the script paper looked like a vat. Then a adult came,he was striced he made a crackle soound and he wrecked the kid`s face the kid out bursted and weeped he slouched"don`t skitter" the man said "how dare you!""Do you have any inheritors?" "no i don`"t

Posts : 9 Join date : 2013-05-31

On one of Count Olaf's evil plays he was successful to hurt and steal with out getting cote. It was his "wife". He did't like her, but because she was rich he married her. They had a play called "A Magical Kill" Eric (Count Olaf) was the villein and his wife was the princesse.Eric was jealous of the prince and got in a fight;and then he decided to kill her.He got a REAL knife to get rid of her and killed her for real every body thought it was fake.And then the prince and Eric did a dole and the prince won. He fond a other love and lived happily ever after.

THE END

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